i will never feel at home in this broken calloused world

ok so today we had that show at Gary's with like 9 other bands and such.....pretty cool. anyways by the end of this you will learn why not to listen to Daniel Jubert. so pretty much we were opening and the show was suppose to start at 6 but i dont think we started till like 6:30 or even later. but being an opening band nobody liked us, im not gonna lie, that was the fakest energy ive ever felt from a crowd, oh yeah sure they "liked" us, BULL SHIT! seriously i felt so much hate from that crowd, i knew this would happen, none of our true fans stuck up and booggied off the songs, and i got a water bottle thrown at me! which brings me to do you still hate me....haha, pretty much theres a youtube battle on one of our songs "This song is my statement of life in this cold dying world" (my guitar only version), shit was said, a facebook group was made as a joke/hatred against me, and i listened to DEAD PREZ. when he said to call out that person and dedicate the song to him, and for that i got a water bottle thrown my way, it didnt hit me, so i cant complain, but yeah, let me just say, it sux playing for people like that. it makes me not wanna be in this band anymore. it was pretty much like playing for a bunch of jocks, a bunch of people who were pretty much laughing in our faces (as so i felt). i mean yeah it was nice to play for a different crowd other than our friends, and have other bands playing whose drummers werent Daniel, even though, Mest, Less than Jake, and Anti Flag had him as well, the majority of them didnt. but i think the crowd was more geared into the Straight Edge/Hardcore/Screamo stuff, which is cool and all, but seriously, hate that feeling of pretty much going up and performing knowing that nobody but your friends who dont even get that much into the music are there for you. i apprciate everyone that did come out for support, it really meant a lot, but maybe this show wasnt for us, it just seems like no matter how hard we'll try, our fanbase will never spread to new ears, it will continue to stay with our friends, and thats fine and everything, and i know its not about how many fans you have, but over this past year, trying to really start How Low for reals w/Trenton, and having such high hopes for it, i started to realize that we werent gonna make it very far. we were gonna be done right after high school, and our style of music wasnt reflecting at all what we had planned, finally taking a little control to steer us in a more jazz direction, it became to much punk, and we soon added more styles (ska, surf-punk, and even like punk rock'n'roll "My mom kicked me out of my house and i will never feel fully excepted anywhere in my entire miserable life"). but i mean in less than a week its gonna be the beggining of senoir year, this is when we should be most excited. demos, shows, trying to influenece other people. but im just not feeling it as much anymore, im not gonna lie, like Plan Nine USA was defiantly one of my biggest live/local influences that made me wanna rock, and everytime we play i never feel that same energy that they had, and it does sound kind of stupid. i think this summer ive really figured out what i wanna do with my life, i wanna play in a band, i mean i decided that like back in 9th or 10th grade, but this summer really defined my love for music. i really figured out what kinda band i wanna be in, and what type of person i wanna be, what kinda crowd im trying pick up (i know that sounds kinda wierd), and what message i want to send to the people. like it sound wierd but when im at a concert and i meet people there really cool and they DONT LISTEN TO JUDGE , i feel respected and i dig that, but G-burg as much as i love it in way, im hated, and since thats the school we go to and no one digs us but our friends, i cant go on like this. a more popular person writes an anit-racist song and there loved, i do the same and im pretty much stoned to death, Fuck them! i love music so much and thats all i wanna do with my life, i love the energy i get from it and everything about it, but i think i might have to take a leave of absence.....im sorry that this whole blog started about this concert, but ive been thinking about this for a couple of weeks, then all this shit went down, and i just feel done, my mind could change, but at this point i think HOW LOW has done its job as a decent millionth band, and i just cant find my place with it anymore....im sorry but someone has to lose in this game of life and tonight that someone is you. we went from boys to men living in siihhhiiiiiin. waiting for the world to end. im gona do my thing no doubt no matter what comes out of your mouth. real recognize real and its true. and i just cant recognize YOU.